your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
