I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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