you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
