I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
