I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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