all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
