I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
