Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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