I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Acid is not a monday night drug
she told me i tasted like america
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
