is your mom at the bar?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
