I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
