You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
