I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
