why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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