I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
