I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
