I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
