omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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