Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
She's not a foreskin expert like you
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
