My underwear smells like fireworks.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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