I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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