I seem to have left my pride at pride
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
