literally had 100 drinks last night.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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