two words: eviction party
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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