All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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