Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
