I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
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