from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
