I cannot find my penis.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
