I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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