I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
