I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
