Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
