if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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