never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
