I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
