i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
