dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
