Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
