What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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