I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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