No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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