Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize
