dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
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