I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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