2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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