what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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