I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
