Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
