i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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