I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
