Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Randomize
