I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
