God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
