You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
