I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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